he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
