You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
