Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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