My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
