I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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