what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
