listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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