I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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