Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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