I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
