a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i think i just lost a toe
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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