I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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