Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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