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I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
