Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
