i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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