did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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