My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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