i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize