And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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