Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
