the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
