I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
