I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
