apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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