in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
