I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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