Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
