Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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