Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
