Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
