Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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