What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
