Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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