When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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