Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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