so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
