i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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