every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
