Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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