What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
