i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
