too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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