my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
