haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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