Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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