Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
