At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
