saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
