You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
