Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Randomize
