She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Randomize
