you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
