I think im going to throw up on grandma
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There r osticjed everywhere
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
