I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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