I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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