If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
